So I treat LiveJournal like its a ventilation for my thoughts and feelings. When I am both capable of expressing them and can't express them for whatever reason on Facebook or G+, I post them here.
Today is one of those very rare occasions. Now don't get me wrong, I feel that I have things I can't express in public all the time. I am not a well person. But rarely am I able to talk about them at all, from a mental stability standpoint. Its a weird balance thing.
I am taking mood stabilizers. I have been for a couple months now. With my thoughts getting darker and darker, I thought it best to deal with it because I have always had the belief that I am incapable of intentionally and outright hurting myself (that is why I drank so long and for hard, so I wouldn't have to). Well, the darker my thoughts got, the more creative I got. I found at least one way to just fall asleep and never wake up. No pain, no mess.
It was about then that I decided to see a doc. First off, thank goodness I have tricare from the military. Secondly, I am not fixed yet. I am better today than I was before, but fixed I am not. However I am forcing myself out of the house with Halloween Haunt work, I am taking my medicine and can say that since I started taking this medicine I have not missed a single dose (though I did mess up my multiple medicine dosage a little for about a week, but I am not used to taking medicine, and I figured it out on my own.)
I figure that by the end of Halloween, I will be better. At least I really hope so. I have been doing the medicine dance this whole time and I know the past couple days have been.. goodish. Now I have been drinking energy drinks these past couple days and I have been caffeinating myself regularly for months, as energy is an issue for me, but this weekend I won't be drinking energy drinks, so I will know if they are a factor.
I miss my friends, and that is a factor in my depression as well. Many people I care about just don't seem to give a rats ass about me and that sucks but I don't have the confidence to write them off. Who wants to say they can count their friends on one hand? But I have found, throughout all of this, a few really good friends who have stuck with me through this and I will never forget it.
Lastly I want to address the meta of this post. I would not be posting this if I did not want people to read it. It is not private, neither is it posted for everyone to read. I am giving it to the universe. Maybe, hopefully, someone will read this and it will help someone somewhere. If I am very, very lucky, that person will be me. (I never said I was not selfish).
- Damn its been a long time..